June datang lagi...

got an unexpected call recently..thus i decided to re-post this as a reminder for myself..ya, mmg sifat manusia itu 'lupa' tp untuk certain perkara agak sukar untui melakukannya..

here goes:

this month..june 2009. what a month. yes, ALLAH uji kita tanda kasih sayangNYA. betul.mmg tak dinafikan lagi. i’m hundred percent agree with it not that i’m complaining. no, sir…

untuk kesekian kalinya, my plan didn’t work.our plan should i say. ye, i believe the right word are, ‘tak ada jodoh…’. i’m not meant for him, and he wasn’t meant for me. 6th of June 2009 @ 5.00 pm. abg cho dan pak longnya datang to have a little chit chat with baba. yes, as promised they came and the things that need to be said is laid in front of us. i’m sitting beside the wall. nope, they (the tetamu) can’t see me. i have this feeling that i need to hear each and every word that’s being exchanged between my father and abg cho and pak long.

two days before that eventful day, ‘mak’ called. i am very fond of this particular lady. i admire her for her spirit, courage, strength and patience. i’m also fell in love with this lady for her gracefulness and love. her undivided love. even towards total stangers (well, at this point of time not anymore!). mak is a lady that are easy to be in love with. i respect her for her understanding, for her empathy and for her diplomacy to me. to her children

mak called…the moment we’re done with the intro, she went straight to the point of why she called. listening to her ‘made-up’ calmness, i loose my cool. the moment i heard her voice shook and her silent cry, my ego went straight to hell. how can’t i not feeling anything when i am speaking with mak? yes, walaupun talian mcm shit (terputus-putus), she called and called and called. at that time, i thought of him and thinkin how could he do this to me, how could he this to his mother…how really unfair for him to separate the love that had already budding inside of us? i cried too. no embarassment there…ya, sudah tak ada jodoh. mak doakan aku berjumpa dengan org lain yang lebih baik dari anaknya.

“pada makcik, kamu dah begitu sempurna. kerjaya ada. rupa ada. pelajaran, agama tak kurang. kamu dari keluarga baik-baik. tapi…apakan daya bukan makcik yang hendak berkahwin. yang nak berkahwin tu , dia. makcik sayangkan kamu. kamu budak yang baik. selalu ingat pada makcik, pakcik dan keluarga kami.selalu hantar mesej. makcik dah anggapkan kamu, anak makcik sendiri. makcik pernah nampak dia menangis satu hari tu. makcik tak tau kenapa…baru hari ini dia berterus terang. makcik minta maaf, nak”
“…kesal perkara ini terjadi. tapi, mungkin dah tak ada jodoh kamu dengan dia. makcik doakan kamu berjumpa dengan lelaki yang lebih baik dari anak makcik tu. makcik pun tak tahu kenapa dia jadi macam itu. makcik minta kamu terangkan perkara sebenar pada emak dan bapa kamu. makcik minta maaf, nak. makcik pun sedih juga…tak sampai hajat nak jadi keluarga. tapi jangan segan-segan, kalau kamu ada masalah, nak bertanya nasihat tentang apa sekali pun, kamu call saja makcik. insyaALLAH makcik boleh membantu. apa sekalipun, makcik dah anggap kamu anak makcik..”

“…cincin yang pernah makcik bagi, kamu simpanlah. anggapkan saja hadiah. ikhlas dari dalam hati makcik..”

pause………





my world is still standing i’m not at my end of my world. terbayang wajah-wajah tua yang aku sayangi. yg aku cintai. Mama, Baba, Adik-adik. sahabat handai. officemate. lastly, my own face…mata yang bengkak. hidung yg merah. hati yang luka. hanya dua kemungkinan. DUA sahaja.

Pertama: mogok makan, terbaring atas katil, menangis selama seminggu. masuk hospital dan menunggu sampai dia datang, untuk tarik balik keputusannya.

Kedua: stand tall. sibukkan diri dengan kerja office. jumpa kawan-kawan lama. gi karaoke (sing my heart out). gi kenduri kahwin alias. konvoi reramai dengan kreta Myvi Nana. gi kurus kat Genting (oh no..our 1st date :o( banyak kenangan disitu). daftar masuk UiTM dlm degree. buat projek baru dengan kerja seharian-building an Excel Database. beli buku novel English kegemaranku. reading till my eyes bleed. bought dvd korea ‘yu hee the witch’. gi gym. jogging with my dad. staying in good terms with my Officer (kak Huieda). re-read twilight saga. hmm, not forgetting…deleting him from my friendster list, deleting smses from him in the phone, deleting his picture from the album. put away all the things that connect us (used to connect us). and the list went on…and on…and on…

hey again,
i’m okey. ade sikit luka kat dalam. but hey, life goes on. pernah org tanya, “do you hate him?” and my answer, “naah..aku tak benci dia. aku kesal dengan perbuatan dia. tak bawa berbincang dulu. tahu-tahu saja dah buat keputusan. aku tak sedih sebab kena berpisah dengan dia. tapi aku ralat sebab terpaksa berpisah dengan keluarga dia…” kadang-kadang, airmata jatuh juga..rindu? taklah..teringat yang kadang-kadang, org dewasa juga bersikap naif dan kebudak-budakan. soalan seterusnya, “will you forgive him and take him back?”, maaf, yes. lupa, nope, never..terima semula, hmm…soalan ni susah nak jawab. sebab aku tak tahu apa yang TUHAN dah atur dalam hidup aku. i won’t question it. because i totally believe it is a message being delivered from ALLAH to me. the way of sending signal to us. the way i am being reminded.

thank you, ALLAH. i still have You. and to You i pledge.
aku kesal sebab hanyut satu waktu dulu. tapi aku percaya kasih sayangMU mengatasi kemurkaanMU. rahmatMU melebihi siksaMU.